the night before

Night Before Christmas (Texas Style)

‘Twas the night before Christmas, in Texas, you know.

Way out on the prairie, without any snow.

Asleep in their cabin, were Buddy and Sue,

A dreamin’ of Christmas, like me and you.

Not stockings, but boots, at the foot of their bed,

For this was Texas, what more need be said,

When all of a sudden, from out of the still night,

There came such a ruckus, it gave me a fright.

And I saw ‘cross the prairie, like a shot from a gun,

A loaded up buckboard, come on at a run,

The driver was “Geein” and “Hawin”, with a will,

The horses (not reindeer) he drove with such skill.

“Come on there Buck, Poncho, & Prince, to the right,

There’ll be plenty of travelin’ for you all tonight.”

The driver in Levi’s and a shirt that was red,

Had a ten-gallon Stetson on top of his head.

As he stepped from the buckboard, he was really a sight,

With his beard and moustache, so curly and white.

As he burst in the cabin, the children awoke,

And were so astonished, that neither one spoke.

And he filled up their boots with such presents galore,

That neither could think of a single thing more.

When Buddy recovered the use of his jaws,

He asked in a whisper, “Are you really Santa Claus?”

“Am I the real Santa? Well, what do you think?”

And he smiled as he gave a mysterious wink.

Then he leaped in his buckboard, and called back in his drawl,

“To all the children in Texas, Merry Christmas, Y’all”

Grandpa speak

One kid is a whole kid, 2 kids is half a kid and 3 kids is no kid at all.

Meaning, one kid no problem, 2 kids, possible problem, 3 kids definitely problems.

Common Sense

Me AT GROCERY STORE:
Me: Why is there plastic on the payment keypad?
Cashier: to protect people from Covid.
Me: but isn’t everyone touching the plastic keypad the same way they would the regular keypad?
Cashier: No words. Confused look.
Me : Why Dont you pack the grocery bags anymore?
Cashier: Because of covid 19, to reduce the spread of catching or spreading the virus.
Me: But a shelf packer took it out of a box and put on the shelf, a few customers might of picked it up and put back deciding they Dont want it, I put it in my cart, then on the conveyer belt, and YOU pick it up to scan it.. But putting it in a bag after you scan is risky??
Cashier: No words, confused look

Me AT DRIVE-THRU:
Server: (holds a tray out the window with a bag of food for logical friend to grab)
Me: Why is my bag of food on a tray?
Server: So I don’t touch your food because of Covid.
Me: Didn’t the cook touch my food? Didn’t the person wrapping my food touch it and then touch it again when placing it in my bag? Didn’t you touch the bag and put it on the tray? Didn’t you touch the tray?
Server: No words. Confused look.

Me in SOCIETY:
Society: If you cough or sneeze, do it in your elbow or sleeve.
Also society: Don’t shake hands or hug anyone or you will spread the virus. Do an elbow tap instead.
Me: Elbow tap? Isn’t that where you tell people to sneeze or cough? Into their elbow? Now you want people to tap each other with that elbow? Wouldn’t it be safer to sneeze into elbow and shake hands like we did before Covid?

Me AT RESTAURANT:
Hostess: Ok, I can seat you at this table right here (4 feet away), but I will need you to wear a mask to the table.
Me: What happens when I get to the table?
Hostess: You can take off the mask.
Me: Then it is safe over there?
Hostess: Yes.
Me: Are those fans blowing above the table? Is that the air-conditioning I feel? Is the air circulating in here?
Hostess: No words. Confused look.

SOCIETY: You are not allowed to stand and drink at the pub or bar, you have to sit down, but at the shopping center you are not allowed to sit down, all the chairs are roped off.
Who thinks this shit up? Life is hard for logical people right now. We are living without the ability to process and execute logic. Also Wrestlers can wrestle for 6 minutes body to body, breathing hard. But can’t shake hands after because of Covid 19.

TX HB196

In Texas, State Representative Terry Meza (D-Irving) has introduced HB196. Her bill would repeal the state’s “castle doctrine.” This doctrine allows a homeowner to use deadly force against an armed intruder who breaks into his home.

Now listen to what she has to say…

“I’m not saying that stealing is okay,” Meza explained. “All I’m saying is that it doesn’t warrant a death penalty. Thieves only carry weapons for self-protection and to provide the householder an incentive to cooperate. They just want to get their loot and get away. When the resident tries to resist is when people get hurt. If only one side is armed fewer people will be killed.”

Meza was quick to reassure that her bill “would not totally prevent homeowners from defending themselves.

Under the new law the homeowner’s obligation is to flee the home at the first sign of intrusion. If fleeing is not possible he must cooperate with the intruder. But if violence breaks out it is the homeowner’s responsibility to make sure no one gets hurt. The best way to achieve this is to use the minimum non-lethal force possible because intruders will be able to sue for any injuries they receive at the hands of the homeowner.”

“In most instances the thief needs the money more than the homeowner does,” Meza reasoned. “The homeowner’s insurance will reimburse his losses. On balance, the transfer of property is likely to lead to a more equitable distribution of wealth. If my bill can help make this transfer a peaceful one so much the better.”

yikes

She dimmed the lights. She leaned in. She looked straight into my eyes.
I kissed her.

And now I am arrested by the police for misbehaving with the optician.