smiler

After my wife died I couldn’t look at women for 20 years

But when I got out of prison, it was totally worth it

6th grade science class

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, “Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?”

No one answered so the teacher picked on a random student

Little Mary stood up and said, “You should not be asking sixth graders a question like that! I’m going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!”

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, “Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?” Little Mary’s mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her,

“Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!”

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class,

“Anybody?”

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, “The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.”

Mrs. Parks said, “Very good, Billy,” then turned to Mary and continued.

“As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn’t read your homework And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed.”

a farmer

A farmer quickly purchased land in a low lying depression and began raising donkeys there. He did so with skill, and the donkeys rarely got away.
In other words, he hauled ass to amass asses in a hole asset, whole-ass not half-ass, lassoed the asses so they wouldn’t bypass the ass hole.

ATM man

Saw a man standing on one leg at an ATM. Confused, I asked him “What are you doing???”
He said: “Just checking my balance.”

giggler

A man visits the council to apply for a job.
During his job interview, the interviewer asks him “Are you allergic to anything?”
To which the man replies “Yes, caffeine. I can’t drink coffee.”
“Ok, have you ever been in the military service before?”
“Yes,” he says. “I was in Iraq for one tour.”
The interviewer replies “That will give you 5 extra points towards employment.” After this, he asks “Are you disabled in any way?”
The applicant says “Yes, a bomb exploded near me and I lost both of my testicles”
After hearing this, the interviewer grimaces and then says “Okay. You have enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are 8am to 4pm. You can start tomorrow at 10am, and plan on starting at 10am every day”
The man is puzzled and asks, “If the work hours are from 8am to 4pm, why don’t you want me here until 10am?”
“This is a government job,” the interviewer says. “For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that”