at the gym

Several men were in the locker room of the gym when a cell phone on a bench rang and a man put it on speaker and begins to talk. Everyone in the room stopped to listen.

Man: Hello!

Woman: Hi honey, its me. Are you at the club?

Man: Yes.

Woman: Im at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. Its only $2000: is it OK if I buy it?

Man: Sure, go ahead if you like that much.

Woman: I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one that I really liked.

Man: How much?

Woman: $90,000

Man: OK, but for that price I want it with all options.

Woman: Great! Oh, and one more thing. I was just talking to Jane and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on market. They are asking $980,000 for it.

Man: Well, then go ahead and offer $900,000. They’ll probably take it. If not, we can go to the extra $80,000 if that’s what you really want.

Woman: OK. See you later! I love you too much!

Man: Bye, I love you too.

The man hung up. The other men in the locker room were staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.

He turned and asked: Anyone knows whose phone is this?

a wife was in bed…

A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door.

“Stay where you are,” she said. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”

the husband lurched into bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.

He turned to his wife: “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?”

“You’re so drunk you miscounted,” said the wife. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there.

The husband climbed out of bed and counted. One, two, three, four. Damn, you’re right.

trumped

Snow Flake predictions on Trump

Trump will never win the GOP nomination
Trump will quit now that he won the nomination
Trump is 14 pts behind Hillary
Trump has no path to 270
Trump colluded with Russia
Flynn’s testimony will be the end of Trump
Manfort’s testimony will be the end of Trump
Stormy’s testimony will be the end of Trump
Avantee testimony will be the end of Trump
Cohen’s testimony will be the end of Trump
Mueller will indict Trumps kids.
The Mueller Report will end Trump.
The Mueller testimony will end Trump.

2 windmills

Two windmills are in a field.

One windmill says to the other, “What type of music do you like?”

The other windmill replies, “Well I’m a big metal fan”

2 coal miners

Two coal miners are in a mine. One says to the other, “What type of music do you like?”

The other miner replies, “I really dig hard rock.”

well, well

This reminds me of the “nuclear option” in the Senate years ago.. Republicans told the left that they would someday regret the change… then when Republicans used the Nuclear Option (which the left initiated and approved), the Left was incensed….This is no different, they think this will sway the public to their side, to vote “D” in the next elections… Sorry to say, but this is going to sink the democratic party deeper into the quagmire of rot and stench that they are in right now….they have pissed away millions in a bulls**t witch hunt. Then next year is going to expose the rot and garbage with the Democratic party… and Barr will expose it all.. It’s going to cost them… BIG.. The economy is humming, businesses are hiring, unemployment is wayyyyyy down, and trade wars are being won.. the only thing that the left has to offer is.. “TRUMP BAD”….and their proposed ideas will bankrupt our country faster than the slide we are presently on with the national debt… it’s a mistake, but then again, when has a mistake ever changed the opinion of a progressive.

why does

Why does Batman only wear dark colors? Easy. Batman doesn’t want to get shot. Why does Robin only wear bright colors?

Easy.

Batman doesn’t want to get shot.

scammered

I was having a conversation with a scammer the other day.

Me: “Hello.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.”

Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Oh yes, we have many reports.”

Me: “Oh jeez. How can I fix it?”

NOT-Microsoft support: “It’s OK sir. We can help you right now. Are you in front of your device sir?”

Me: “Yes. I was just about to use it. I’m glad you called.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Yes sir, we are going to help you. Can you please push the Start button?”

Me: “I think it’s already on.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Okay, sir. Now you want to click on Control Panel.”

Me: “I don’t see that.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Do you see a bunch of information above the Start button?”

Me: “Yes.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “That is your Control Panel.”

Me: “Wow, I didn’t realize it had a name.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Yes sir, now press on Internet Options.”

Me: “Yeah, I definitely don’t see any Internet options. I don’t think I purchased that feature. This is just a cheap one.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “They all have the Internet sir. Press the Start button again.”

Me: “OK, it’s the same as before.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “That’s OK sir. We are going to restart your device. Can you please turn it off?”

Me: “Ummm…I don’t know how. I’ve never turned it off. Since I bought it it just kind of stays on all the time.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “There must be an off button on your device. How do you stop it when it’s running?”

Me: “In those cases I usually press the big button beneath Stop/Cancel.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “OK sir. Please press that button.”

Me: “Ok.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Is your device off?”

Me: “No. The door popped open.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Door? Is there a disc inside the door?”

Me: “No, there’s a burrito.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Why is there a burrito in your computer?”

Me: “Computer? I thought you said this was microwave support.”

oh no

Teacher: “Jay,why are you down today?”
Jay: “Because my mom is at the hospital and my dad is at the police station.”
Teacher: “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that, dear. Do you want to go home?”
Jay: “Yes, please.”
After Jay has left the classroom, the teacher asks the other classmates, “Why is Jay’s father at the police station and the mother at the hospital?”
Classmate: “Because his father is a policeman and his mom’s a nurse.”