a story

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years, the only friction in their marriage was the husbands habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke the noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn’t stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one Christmas day morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Sometime later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bath room. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, Honey you were right all these years you have warned me and I didn’t listen to you. What do you mean? asked his wife. Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened, but by the grace of god, some Vaseline and two fingers. I think I got most of them back in………

out for a stroll

Pinocchio, Snow white, and Superman
Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a little stroll in town one afternoon enjoying the sunshine.

As they walked, they come across a sign: “Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world.”

“I am entering!” said Snow White.

After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, “Well, how’d ya go?”

“I won First Place!,” said Snow White.

They continue walking and they see another sign: “Contest for the strongest man in the world.”

“I’m entering” says Superman.

After half an hour, he returns and they ask him, “How did you make out?”

“I won first place too.” answers Superman. “Did you ever have a doubt?”

They continue walking when they see a third sign: “Contest – Who is the greatest liar in the world?”

Pinocchio quickly enters the contest. After half an hour he returns with tears in his eyes.

“What happened?” they asked.

“Who the hell is Elizabeth Warren ?” asked Pinocchio.

raking leaves

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard.
The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, “Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole.”

The grandfather replies, “I’ll bet you five dollars you can’t. It’s too wiggly and limp to put back in that tiny hole.”

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to slip the dying worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house.

Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars. The little boy says, “Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars.”

The grandfather replies, “That’s from Grandma.”

airline pilot

An airline pilot, who didn’t realize his microphone was live, said to the co-pilot:
“Man I could sure use a hot cup of coffee and a blow job from that red-headed flight attendant!”

That statement was heard throughout the plane and the furious red-headed flight attendant unbuckled her seat-belt and stormed off toward the cockpit.

Seeing this, Connor shouts, “Miss! Miss! You forgot the coffee!”

all the girls

All the girls in a classroom were upset by Little Connor! After months of enduring his foul language and sexual innuendos in class, the girls decide to walk out of the class in protest in case Connor says anything sexual or offensive.

Class starts and the teacher says: “OK kids, today’s subject will be buildings and construction. Who can tell me how buildings are made?”

The class remains quiet, then little Connor raises his hand and says “Madam, I know”.

The teacher says, “OK Connor, please explain.”

Connor: “Well, first before anything you need a permit from the city for the construction project to begin, that could take months. Once you get the permit, then come the bulldozers to basically dig into the earth to create the foundation. Then, cement is poured into the foundation and pylons are inserted. Around the pylons, the outer structure of the building is made, floors, walls, ceilings.Then comes wiring and plumbing. Next drywall can be installed along with flooring and fixtures. When all is said and done, you still have to get an occupancy permit from the city before you can actually use the building.”

The class remains quiet.

The teacher says: “WOW Connor! Bravo, that was amazing, how did you learn all that?”

Connor: “For the past many months, just a few doors down from our house, they have been building what I think is a huge whore house, I’ve watched the whole thing from start to finish.”

At that moment, all the girls suddenly get up and start to walk out.

Connor looks around and says: “Woah woah woah, girls sit down, they are still waiting for the permit!”

giggles

My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, “How soon do you think we’ll be able to have sex?”
He winked at me and said: “I’m off duty in 10 minutes – meet me in the car park.”

Connor’s ex

My girlfriend just admitted she used to be a Christian, so I broke up with her.
It might seem judgemental, but I have only known her since she was Christine.