After the flood, satisfied his work was done, Noah was inspecting the Ark one last time when he came across a pair of snakes.
“Why are you still here?” he asked in surprise. “It’s safe now. Go forth! And multiply!”
The snakes stared at him in confusion.
A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, “Hey Koala! What are you doing?”
The koala said, “Smoking a joint, come up and have some.”
So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints.
After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was dry and that he was going to get a drink from the river.
The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned too far over and fell into the river.
A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, “What’s the matter with you?”
The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said, “Hey you!”
So the koala looked down at him and said, “Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude… how much water did you drink?!?!”
A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, “Is this a union house?”
“No”, she replied, “I’m sorry it isn’t.”
“Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?”
“The house gets $80 and the girls get $20,” she answered.
Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, “Why yes sir, this is a union house. We observe all union rules.”
The man asked, “And, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?”
“The girls get $80 and the house gets $20.”
“That’s more like it!” the union man said.
He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive green-eyed blonde.
“I’d like her,” he said.
“I’m sure you would, sir,” said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, “but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she’s next.’”
A thief stole a sine and a cosine… He took the two identities to a beach. However, they were too heavy for him to carry.
He wanted to keep them under the sand, but the beach was so narrow that it could only contain one of them: sine or cosine. He decided that, using his mathematical skills, that he would stack sine over cosine – but that resulted in tan! He did not want to get tan. So he stacked cosine over sine…
Nancy Pelosi called Chuck Schumer one day and said I’ve got a plan to help us win in 2020 and help us retain control of Congress and take the Senate.
“Great Nancy but how?” asked Chuck.
“We’ll get some cheesy clothes and shoes like most Middle Class Americans wear, then stop at the pound and pick up a Labrador Retriever.
Then, we’ll go to a nice old country bar in Montana and show them how much admiration and respect we have for the hard working people living there.”
So they did, and found just the place they were looking for in Bozeman, Montana. With the dog in tow, they walked inside and stepped up to the bar.
The Bartender took a step back and said, “Hey! Aren’t you Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi?”
“Yes we are!” said Nancy, “And what a lovely town you have here. We were passing through and Chuck suggested we stop and take in some local color.”
They ordered a round of bourbon for the whole bar, and started chatting up a storm with anyone who would listen.
A few minutes later, a grizzled old rancher came in, walked up to the Labrador, lifted up its tail, looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked out.
A few moments later, in came another old rancher. He walked up to the dog, lifted up its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and left the bar.
For the next hour, another dozen ranchers came in, lifted the dog’s tail, and left shaking their heads.
Finally, Nancy asked, “Why did all those old ranchers come in and look under the dog’s tail? Is it some sort of custom?”
“Lord no,” said the bartender. “Someone’s out there running around town, claiming there’s a Labrador Retriever in here with two assholes!”
A man comes home to his wife and cheerfully proclaims: “the doctor said I can pleasure myself whenever I want to!”
So Marcia took the paper he got after the appointment, looks at it for a second and says, “JEFFREY ALLEN SCOTT, this here paper only says that you could have a stroke at any time!”
A fat balding white haired man walks into a jewelry store with a beautiful much younger buxom gal at his side…
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The man said, ‘No, I’d like to see something more special.’
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.’Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000the jeweler said. The lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, ‘We will take it.’ The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, ‘By check.I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I will write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds; I will pick the ring up Monday afternoon.’
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said ‘Sir…There’s no money in that account.
“I know,’ said the old man…’But let me tell you about my weekend!’
An Englishman, a Frenchman, and a Russian are in an art gallery
They are looking at a painting of Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden.
“Look at how reserved and calm they are,” the Englishman says, “they would definitely be English.”
“They are naked and beautiful, they would have to be French.” The Frenchmen counters.
The Russian speaks up, “no clothes, no shelter, no bed, they have only an apple between them, and they’re told this is paradise. They are certainly Russian.”
Bill Clinton likes to go for a walk every Saturday evening…
One evening, he passed by an alley, and a prostitute yelled at him, ‟Fifty dollars will buy you a good time!”
He responded by saying ‟How‘s about 5 dollars?”, jokingly, and kept walking.
This same thing kept happening every Saturday for a couple weeks; every time Bill passed the prostitute, she would offer him her services for fifty dollars, and he would decline and say he‘d only pay five. One evening, however, Hillary asked if she could come along on the walk with him, and Bill reluctantly agreed, nervous about what Hillary would say if the prostitute yelled at him again. They went on the walk, and when they passed the alley, to Bill‘s surprise, the prostitute was silent, and they continued on their walk. As they were about to round the corner, however, they heard the prostitute‘s voice from behind them,
‟So that‘s what five dollars gets you, huh?”
When I was 14, my parents finally allowed me to go deer hunting with my 3 older brothers. When we got to the edge of the forest, we split up. I was supposed to stay with my oldest brother, but somehow we got separated. Lost and alone, I started to panic, but then remembered what he told me: “if you get lost, shoot 3 times in the air”. So I did – I shot 3 times in the air and sat on a rock and waited. Nothing happened. I shot 3 more times and waited – nothing. After an hour of waiting, 2 guys just happened to walk by the rock where I was sitting. They took me to a ranger station where I got help. I was so glad they found me when they did, because I was about out of arrows.
2 Nuns and a Bottle of Whiskey
A bartender is waiting for closing time at his pub so he can lock up, and go home. It’s a slow night and he has no customers.
He hears a light knock at the back door, opens it, and there are 2 nuns there. One says, “Mr Bartender, can we impose upon you for a wee favor?”
“Certainly, Sister, what is it?”
“Well, it’s not for us, you understand, it’s for Father Murphy. He’s suffering from a bad case of the constipation, and the only thing that helps the poor man out is a wee drop of whiskey.”
The other nun continues, “We’d go to the shop, but gossips in this town being as they are, we thought we’d ask you for this favor instead, as we know you’re a discreet man and can keep a secret, as all bartenders do.”
The bartender replies, “Certainly, Sisters, I’ll just be a moment.” He returns and hands them an unopened bottle of some fine Scotch single-malt.
Later, he locks up and starts driving home, and what does he see, but the two nuns, walking down the middle of the road, weaving, and singing at the top of their lungs. He can see the bottle, and it’s all gone except for the last inch or two.
He pulls over and rolls down the window. “Sisters!” he exclaims. “I thought you said that bottle was for Father Murphy’s constipation!”
“Oh, but it is,” one replied. “When we get back, and he sees us in this condition, he’s going to shit himself!”
Two Australians were sitting around talking over a beer…
After a while the first Australian says to the second, “If I was to sneak over to your house and make love to your wife while you was off fishing, and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related?“
The second Australian crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes, thinking real hard about the question.
Finally, he says, “Well, I don’t know about related, but I reckon it’d make us even.”